Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

And that about sums it up.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.