[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
we’re gonna need another temp
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.