Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am laughing way too hard at this.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

Mornin

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down