Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.