Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love this❤️😁👍

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.