Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

This is sending me to another galaxy

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*