Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

Introverted vegans go meetless

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*