[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”