[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.