Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.

Her: Just wait.

goldfish mafia

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

“our sushi is very fresh”

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

Solving a traffic jam