Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce