Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

A Short Story.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

🐥🐣

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.