Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

Me: I’m tired

My brain: turn on the tv

Me: but I need sleep

My brain: go pay some bills

Me: I’m so exhausted

My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.