Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide