Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Look Ma, no handle on things

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…