Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.