[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
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[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My first child will be named New Folder.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
going to the ER y’all need anything
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!