[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]