Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

So Hamburger help me, God

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?