Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded