Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

My work here is don’t.

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”