Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

I’m not proud

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.