[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
yeah no that’s fair
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
This raises questions