[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously