[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.![]()
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.