Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

fired

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!