Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.