[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days