[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster