Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Festive toon…

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk