Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck