Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

mariah carrie

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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”