Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey