Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
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Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A completely valid reaction tbh
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
a New Yorker reject, for you
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?