Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Best spoiler warning ever
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”