Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.