Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no