Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.