Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
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I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Employees must applaud the planets.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?