Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
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dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
What the dentist sees
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
