Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

Love is always patient and kind.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

This why you should mind your business

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

I only say stupid things when I talk.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.