Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*