Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

a public service announcement

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury