Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Who chose this font

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

[ark]

SHEM:It’s full

NOAH:Full?

SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space

NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

It kinda feels like this rn

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.