Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

I didn’t realize that was an option

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat