Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire