My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”