Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

How about I get 100% off by already being there

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.