Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*