Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.