Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?