{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
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Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Golf would be better with landmines.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.