Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭