Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Still laughing at this stupid meme

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]