Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

japanese corn

Am I having a stroke?

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality