Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.