[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold