Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

I put the hot in psychotic.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

😂 amazing answer

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?