Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

fr

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.