[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
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“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
It kinda feels like this rn
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Who says great literature is dead?
