Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.