[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
You Might Also Like
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service