[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
this is the best interaction on twitter
