Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

…..pretty much.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them