Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

Hey i am sexy to you now

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?