[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
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Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her