[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.