[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
You Might Also Like
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Smile they said.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.