Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

when someone rings the doorbell

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

Perfect

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?