[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
God has abandoned us.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?