Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.