Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That took me a moment.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.