Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

This is the one

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.