Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

Become ungovernable.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

ㅤ

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

I have never related to anyone more.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

The Friday File.