@MarfSalvador

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

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@squirrel74wkgn

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

@ValeeGrrl

My son just explained how he wants to make a necklace out of my hair which is totally normal & doesn’t at all concern & terrify me.

@NewDadNotes

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

@plumbur

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

@nealbrennan

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

@JurassicPark2go

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

@TheTweetOfGod

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

@hazelmotes1

Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.

@djdarrellripley

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.