[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
*limbos under the caution tape
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it