[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
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Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!