Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!