Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes