Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

🤨

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

I don’t make the rules sorry

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex