Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.