[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
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My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
sistine chapel
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
😂 amazing answer